tattoo went great artist said she loved me and that she liked my design a lot and it turned out so so cool. its right in my collarbone/shoulder/chest area so it was kinda sensitive but im tough so its fine. next tattoo lined up for next month with another artist for a charity thing so thats gonna be so cool. also i got the local pride celebration off so we're gonna have a big fun gay night with my sexy bear boyfriend. finally got a disk drive so i can burn my own CDs and i'm also getting into doing my own designs on them in sharpie which is fun and cool. got many houseplants. also switched back to T shots and had like a 10 minute panic/whining fit before bf finally gave me the shot and it didnt even hurt and i was like damn. overdramatic.

ska punk show was amazing a very nice security guard chased me down through the crowd to get me a beach ball (one of the ones that got thrown into the crowd during a song after seeing me miserably try and fail to grab one off the floor before someone else stole it). a woman almost bumped into me at a merch booth and then stopped and looked at me and went "Hey I know you! From ska shows!" like im some kind of ska punk deity that's present at every midwest ska concert. i think i might have visibly bluescreened during that interaction i ended up awkwardly going "oh yeah i tend to be here!". dude i havent been to a ska show in 9 fucking months. it also set a new record for 'farthest away from home someone has said they recognized me', replacing the previous 3hr drive with an incrdible 4.5hr drive. any farther and i am leaving the state or country. both tattooes have deposits down, lets go boys.

tumblr is functionally my only social media which is great in the sense that it isn't tiktok and for the most part it's fairly easy to curate your feed to not see a constant stream of dumb shit but i do have to sometimes step back and take a break because i'll just be chillin in a fandom tag or the DIY tags or whatever and i'll see your basic young (probably teen so i don't wanna judge too hard) queer with a baby punk bio setup like "anarchist/punk/acab, bigots fuck off!!" or whatever and then immediately chase all that with a 4 page DNI of what kinds of queers they think are too weird or when censorship is actually fine because the thing we're censoring was icky anyway, and it just. head in my hands. i do try to breathe because i remember being that kid and sometimes when you're locked in your parents house in the middle of buttfuck nowhere with all of the rage of a kid who wants to do something but can't, it almost feels like getting into internet discourse is productive. but as someone who has gotten the fuck out of that house and met living breathing queers and punks without a screen in the middle. it do not fucking matter. nobody cares whether it's "valid" to be a queer transsexual pansyfag or something with a hundred xenogenders and pronouns to stack, just pick up a damn brick and start throwing. anyway im also going to most likely get another tattoo a couple weeks after the previously mentioned one. yay!

tattoo in two weeks! also got the shrine thing and the lady got blocked in her drive by some construction folks so she was like 10 minutes late and she kept apologizing and gave me 5 bucks off (no room for argurment. she counted and saw that i left in the extra 5 and stuffed it back into my hands when they were full with the shrine thing) my original bamboo vase was actually too big for it so i got some smaller bamboo to put in it and it looks so cool and awesome. it even has a drawer on it that i can keep lighters and incense and stuff in since it's now the centerpiece of my candle/scent/burning area. did some bleach painting on my patch pants and they look so cool. planning on doing a bigger piece on those pants but i gotta prepare and im too lazy for that this week. concert on saturday!!

my beautiful boy got his ears pierced today which is his first body mod of any kind and he looks so so good and pretty with them. we also set up a tattoo consult date for next week which will be fun so i can finally get my tattoo expansion/addition. also got this cool handmade unique japanese buddhist shrine thing from someone on fb marketplace that i'm picking up tomorrow morning. i'm going to put my bamboo plants on it and maybe some other fitting things that i pick up along time. been trying to get my hands on an actual authentic not-mass-marketed lucky cat / maneki neko but i have a very specific picture in my head and its hard enough to find one that isn't being sold on amazon or whatever and i really don't know which sources to trust. ugh. how hard would it be to just go to japan i wonder.

finally got another show lined up! me n the metalhead friend are gonna go see suicide machines in a couple weeks! going to punk shows always gets me in a mood because i want to be in a band sooo bad but i dont really have the motor function for any instruments because of my damn hands. id really really like to learn guitar or something but i just dont really know if its possible for me. going to trim my hair today so that it's ready to be dyed on monday. listened to the audiobook for the art of war bu sun tzu for my last few commutes to and from work for whatever reason. some of the advice given was very interesting/questionable.

YAY my subhumans shirt got here very fast!!!! for whatever reason the package was just absolutely covered in "fragile" stickers which is hilarious considering the shirt was the only thing in there. been playing lots of animal crossing lately and having some fun with that. going to get a friend over and do my hair on monday which means i should probably decide what i want to do with my hair before then. i want to go back to a mullet/fauxhawk kind of look but i hate waiting for my hair to get long enough to do that. ah well in the future someday maybe. chronic pain has been awful! but we rock on. recently organized and optimized all of my music files and sorted through most of my downloads on my computer and working on downloading all of the music i dont have physical copies of because i'm planning to ditch all paid streaming services for the new year and spotify is my big one.

went on a cute lil date w my partner yesterday. went tubing down the river then did mini golf then went to the video game store. was very nice and sweet. got bit the fuck out of by mosquitos, which i am allergic to. yay. had an early as balls shift this morning but only 4 hours so i got to come home and get breakfast from baby and then sleep more. my chronic pain is baffling my doctor because all of our leading theories keep going out the window. every single round of testing comes back more normal than anything in my life, she thought it may be psychosomatic but im doing pretty fine in life honestly overall. i've switched every med that i'm on since the pain has started so its not a med side effect (except one which we're looking into but it does not have any documented side effects of chronic pain so). things are going awesome yaaaay [sarcasm].

i hate MRTs i hate MRTs i have back-to-back MRTs multiple times a day. anyway irl i have a name that is pretty common for a wide variety of ethinicities and nationalities of which i am somehow not a part of any. but it does get people talking because near everybody knows somebody with my name. this delightful 90 something year old woman was telling me about how she had a classmate with my name when she was in kindergarten. and then she continues to tell me that he was born in poland but his sister in the same class was born in fucking auschwitz and that they had moved to the USA after watching their father get shot in front of them and their mother disappear to never be seen again. and christ i do genuinely love being able to hear things and know the stories of people i interact with and have a human connection with folks from such a different generation and all that but jesus fucking christ that is a lot to process at fucking 7am.

i think maybe one of the funniest facts about me is that popular and well-loved dirtbag boyband Bears in Trees is a fall out boy moot of mine on tumblr. as in, i had been following them on instagram and tiktok and when i stopped using most social media and moved over to tumblr and went to follow them, i found out they were already following me. when i was a blog that almost exclusively reblogged pictures of pete wentz. which does make me feel a little bit better about the fact that when i actually got to see them live and talk to iain at the merch booth i ended up just nervously autistically rambling about the recent release of SMFS. 10/10 one of my top fav moots and go see them live or listen to their stuff rn. (site) (bandcamp)

worked 4 12-hour days in a row this week that was insane. friday was awful, someone died in front of me on saturday, sunday was chill but then USA politics happened and i had to be reminded that while my coworkers may be cool and some even gay, i am still skewed a fair bit farther left than most people are expecting. "hey devil what is the first thing you'd do if you were made president?" (end the governmental system completely) "uhh affordable housing for all probably". been listening to folie recenly. i love her so bad. got a fancy smart lightbulb for my garfield lamp so he can be colorful and fun. he will be a nice nighttime reading lamp. trying to focus in on my german studies a bit more but i have no idea where to even start looking outside of duolingo. i would love some worksheets or a workbook or something. i want to understand pronouns bc i have no fucking clue when to use which ones and how they work and duolingo is shit for grammar rules. if anyone reading this has tips that would be super appreciated.

been playing a bit of animal crossing (nh) lately. restarted my world and got some of my old shit back from my moving friend (we are busy adults). got nerfed by the scorpion like 4 times tonight. got vol 2-4 of chainsaw man so i can continue reading that. i like the little guy. he's cute. spent a stupid amount of money on a 40+yo garfield lamp from someone on fb marketplace. but i love him and hes in ridiculously good condition. had a board game night with my friends. i love my friends. work is work, nothing new or exciting there. got new shoes; so begins the autistic hell cycle of reacting to a change. theyre really comfy but theyre not the ones im used to so my feet feel weird. planning on starting an animal journal. just checking off different animals ive seen in a day. maybe writing a little bit if they were interesting. life has been mild, and i am not planning on adding spice to the pot anytime soon.

one of the funniest parts of where i work is that it's in a fairly liberal area near a lot of conservative towns so it's like, well-meaning but super uninformed liberalism. and i am not quite 100% passing but still read as mostly male/masculine, except the combination of being like 80% masculine plus having bright hair and lots of piercings is that a lot of people do not want to make a guess at whats going on with my gender. but lots of folks dont really know how to use gender neutral language so i get to hear nurses and patients and whoever just stumble through trying to avoid making any gendered reference to me and it's kind of hilarious most of the time. one nurse today looked at my nametag (irl name is uncommon enough that most people dont read a gender from it immediately) and then just referred to me with my name any time a pronoun could have been used. some people call me "the lab" as like, some kind of hivemind entity of phlebs. i dont usually like being they/them'd but sometimes watching cis people struggle is funny.

how dare they make me do my job at work. phlebotomy talk but today was so stupid hard for no reasons. i had a rough time on like. 15 fucking draws in a row. and then the only draws i was getting after that was the stupid impossible level shit. one dude would literally only bleed if i held the needle at an angle that i could throw off if i breathed wrong. i couldnt even see the syringe from how i had to hold it so i had to like. vibe check the speed of 4mls through a pediatric needle in my head. a 60 year old woman asked me if i watched the new IWTV and then fully started fandom gushing about lestat while i am sweating bullets trying to get her blood to flow. like i promise i usually would be interested unfortunately your blood pressure is garbage and your veins are tiny. now i get time off to hang out with friends and then go do work again in a few days. its not super bad, i do like my job tbh and people say that im super gentle and good at what i do. but man.

watched the ring (movie) last night. as someone who is kind of a wimp for horror, i really enjoyed it. anyone reading this is free to send recs; i can't do jumpscares or anything with animal death, strongly prefer no sexual violence themes, but im totally fine with gore (big fan of nbc hannibal) and thrillers/suspense. found a 'disturbing movies' tierlist online and that brought up the topic of 'a serbian film' between me and my partner. apparently he had watched it with a friend not knowing what it was and been so traumatized by it that it had caused a fuck-ton of issues and repressed the memory so well that we didn't know why till now. i read the plot synopsis on wikipedia and couldn't sleep that night even with all the anti-insomnia drugs i take. so overall 0/10 do not fucking recommend. if you don't know what it is and don't want to scar yourself by searching it, it's a fucked up story of this ex porn star guy being tricked and drugged to do this fucked up pedophilic/necrophilic/incestual snuff film and damn near everyone dies or kills themself in the end.

chicago was cool. there were guys dressed as some of the characters from borderlands handing out rainbow fans as promo for the new movie thing and it took me a minute to notice i was being handed something because my eyes were elsewhere holy shit (they were just wearing the gas mask things and pants). also the "no kink at pride think of the children!!!" catholic freaks would die if they ever saw chicago pride. there were so many pup masks it was nuts (and a booth selling them that i definitley would have checked out if i wasn't with normie friends). work is cool i love being good at my job. i like when people tell me that they didn't feel it or that i got it in way less tries than anyone else. old lady called me lord dracula which isn't really weird but definitely strangely formal. had to leave early on wednesday as my chronic pain shot up to a 9 and kept me from physically being able to work. went to urgent care and got several drugs for pain and a few referrals to different things. guess we'll see how that works.

at work im fairly stealth/cis-passing, and a while ago me and a coworker were talking of trans things and she mentioned that she had a child my age who was talking about going on HRT, and my coworker had said that she was worried about it and had told her child something along the lines of "be careful, that stuff won't magically make you look like a man, you have a very small feminine figure" which was the perfect chance for me to be like "well i used to be 60lbs lighter with an hourglass figure to match so it'll get them pretty close actually" and she was like woa wait what? and so then we got talking and i was able to talk her out of some of the classic fearmongering of how medical transition and HRT actually works cus she did seem like she genuinely wanted the best for her kid and was just scared and she hugged me at the end of the day so. dear child of my coworker i hope that HRT goes well for you!

i am so so tired i want to be asleep. got my meds upped so i can sleep better. seeing a new psych soon but i gotta reschedule it cus work sucks. going on a big trip to the fall out boy city (chicago) and i dont even need to drive yippee! getting 3 new piercings on the 19th right after therapy which will be fun i love my piercer shes like a mom to me. taking note of the birds and other animals i see around me. lots of different birds to see. finally got an A/C for our room and its so so nice. i can wear my sweatpants and actual clothes in the room and not die of hyperthermia. been doing a lot of pokes at work and getting good at it, they're going to trial run me by myself tomorrow. lots of training on medical emergencies so far. lots of complaining but this is the best job i've ever had i love it here.

started my 12hr hospital shifts recently. theyre not super bad but i have hella time blindness so 2hrs into the day and 10hrs into the day feel the same to me. going to a little concert rave type thing this weekend so that will be fun. went to a punk rock swap meet thing and was buying some CDs and vinyls and stuff and the guy checking my stuff out points to one of the vinyls and goes "hey thats my band!" and im like BRO HOLY SHIT. he recognized me from my bandcamp order too lol. saw an american woodcock family except i didnt know what it was at first so for 3 days i was thinking "that is NOT what a fucking duck looks like". also saw a fat opossum. nearly hit a bear on the way to the swap meet thing. got two new fall out boy CDs also (IOH and FUTCT). chronic pain sucks but life is otherwise good.

woo boy work has been killing me. workin 4 10s per week and starting 12s after this week with only one day break between my last round of 10s. been stabbing people (phlebotomy) and so far my main complaint is that i am "too gentle" and a little slow with setup. got doctor appointments tomorrow and need to get bloodwork so i get to decide which coworkers will stab me. went to a punk rock swap meet today and met a member of a band i really like, plus got some cool patches and CDs and records and shit. top surgery recovery is goin great, im pretty much back to full capacity with a few limits on stretching and lifting and shit. no more post-op binder. seen a lot of cool local native birds lately. happy pride month!

got a new post-op binder which is a lot more comfortable than the ace wrap thank god. new psychiatrist fucking sucked, tried to re-diagnose me in the first session without even having spoken to my previous office and going based off of our single session and the notes that he skimmed in front of me that I brought. said i haad BPD instead of schizophrenia, my fried with BPD drove me to the appointment and laughed so hard when I told her he said that because its not like me at all. like, my schizo is my longest standing diagnosis and one of the only ones i fully agree with (i've got a smattering of niche social disorders on the list because a previous shitty psych would rather diagnose me with 3 of those than autism). pain in the ass tho because that means im probably going to have to find someone else. because me having issues with a psych but seeing them anyway has historically given me problems.

nearly 2 weeks post op. getting used to being flat is super cool, still feels like im binding 24/7 due to the compression wrap. cut my hair this morning, it was already kind of long before surgery but it grows fast and not being able to shower regularly plus it being super long was starting to drive me insane. new psychiatrist tomorrow, hopefully new meds as well. still playing insane amounts of stardew valley, this time modded. up to vol 12 of dungeon meshi and i think a new episode comes out tonight? not sure, will have to check with bf on that one. it is super humid and warm and hot where i live and i do not have the strength to move the window fan or even open or close the window so im in sweaty hell.

1 week post-op. healing great, just got my drains out yesterday and saw my chest for the first time. weird to think that this is real and happening but im very happy. few more weeks of recovery and just laying around getting better. still in the ace wrap while things heal so it just feels like binding 24/7. cant wait for summer without a binder tho. no sunlight exposure for my scars for 12 months so shirtless summer will have to be next year. my surgeon and her team was super cool and awesome thru everything. been playing insane amounts of stardew valley lately. also read the first 8 volumes of dungeon meshi and spottedly watching the anime (the first two and the most recent episode). unsurprisingly, izutsumi brat baby my beloved. also very coincidentally my bf is built exactly like senshi and cooking is his passion. very funny very cool (very hot).

4 more days till top surgery. going to a museum the day before, maybe getting some ihop right next to the hotel. my last day of work is thursday and then i start my new job at the end of may when i'm considered 'recovered' enough to work. back to an old classic favorite video game, assassin's creed origins. killed like 10 people by climbing to the tallest point and sniping them from above which works pretty well if you have enough arrows (lesson learned). got lots of crafts to do, books to read, and shows/movies to watch while i recover. i have kept 3 houseplants alive somehow. accomplishment. still in therapy. as usual. bf birthday soon and i got his gifts all set, hopefully able to wrap them before surgery.

happy 'neil banging out the tunes' day and homestuck day to all those who celebrate. top surgery in two weeks (cue 'Saturday' by FOB). we're literally gonna crucify and burn my old binder. going to try and donate my other binders and transtape and stuff to someone who needs it cus that shit expensive. been playing subnautica survival mode (freedom mode, so like easy mode) and i am so so scared of everything. all of the monsters hurt me and i hate it. every time i don't like something i go "this is nothing like minecraft" and i think it's going to make my bf go nuts. speaking of bf, this man sleeps with a pillow on top of his head like thats fucking normal? there are 4 blankets, 6 pillows, 3 pillow pets, and a handful of other stuffed animals in our bed, and I sleep with one blanket and one to two pillows. he sleeps with the rest either piled on top of him or stuffed between him and the wall. what the fuck. freak. (I love him so much).

top surgery in 24 days. pre-op went good. kind of hilarious to hear the PA call me a "healthy young man" but it means we're all clear. boyfriend moved in and settled, great for my chronic pain and fatigue (and insane sex drive tbh). FOB concert was awesome, got cool merch + close up shots of pete wentz's ass. work is hell and my meds are wack but i finally have an intake with a psychiatrist in may so we just gotta make it until then. started playing subnautica creative mode supervised by my subnautica fan bf who is eternally frustrated by how bad i am at every video game i play. very fun experience. 0 car crashes since last time. somehow.

whew am I bad at updating this shit. top surgery soon. finally told my dad and he was abnormally chill. boyfriend moving in ASAP. cleaned room in prep so he has room for his stuff. FOB concert in two weeks. pre-op for top surgery this tuesday. did not get the cancer job. hired on the spot for new job as a vampire (phlebotomy tech) tho. shes sayin shit like "i see a lot of myself in you" and "i love what you stand for" and im thinkin "oh i have GOT this one". gonna be working 4am to 4pm tho. this starts right after my surgery. got my drivers license and then proceeded to get into two accidents so now im terrified of driving lol.

interview went good, they knew my old boss and asked her about me and she said nice things :3 but they said i'd hear back in 2-3 weeks and im still waiting and checking my email obsessively. failed first road test in 6 minutes flat. next attempt is tomorrow. dad said he would think about bf moving it but it would most likely be yes. waiting on final decision. also, top surgery is in 2 months now! primary doc is going to mess around with further testing and potentially pain clinic referrals for my chronic pain. it is getting bad :)

life updates: still neglecting the site for flight rising. my depression room is a nightmare. getting some sleep with the new meds. boss gave me her transfer authorization and i got an interview with the cancer clinic in the span of like, two days. interview is at 7am which means i have to be up at 5am which. sucks. also have my road test for my driver's license next week. going to ask my dad soon if my bf can move in. hope that goes well. going to try and clean my room today. wish me luck with everything.

finally got the book i was waiting for from the library after months of waiting so i was able to knock back 4 volumes of the manga im reading this weekend. been neglecting the site and playing a lot of flight rising recently. gonna finally send this email to my boss to let her know I'm looking elsewhere for work and that I can't stand my job, so wish me the best of luck with that! new sleep meds I'm on have had the best success of any other med which is awesome; might start finally getting some sleep! other than that, no big updates. have a few ideas for this site but no motivation or energy to execute them yet.

wow i sure did fucking die for a bit huh. took like x8 my dose of ativan after having to miss an appointment cus my ride forgot about me and almost got in trouble at work for falling asleep in front of a patient (i mean i was kind of dying but we'll ignore that part i guess). had to also miss work because my other ride cancelled on me and i just feel like no one actually sees me as anything essential/something easily forgotten which is fun. therapy on tuesday yippee! gonna watch totoro with my bf when he comes over. hopefully tomorrow night. i can't stand work anymore i need to quit. i need to get my license. just fuckin something needs to change or i'll end it. everything is falling apart around me and im just not sure how much i can hold onto anymore. i dont want to be here.

wowie its been rough lol. i started a new anti-depressant a month ago and i follow up with my doctor on monday and I get to say "yeah im fantasizing about ending it all like three times a day. which is the same amount as when i started the med so its not a matter of concern lol." top surgery consult in a week from today so thats something! also been chatting and making friends on here which makes me super paranoid but its also kinda nice in the immediate time. work is driving me nuts and making me crazy and for some reason i decided to pick up more hours so we'll see how long it takes to have a mental breakdown!! apparently my radiating misery at work has gotten so bad that a coworker friend offered to write a letter to our boss FOR ME saying that i needed to switch departments due to being miserable. which is kind of hilarious in a fucked up way. got that "eat shit and die" aura that's making the work normies scared. get me back to slinging drugs in a hospital (pharmacy).

happy new year i got to kiss my boyfriend for new years which was so sexy of us. also taught him how to start his own neocities so maybe i'll link his somewhere on mine when he's comfortable enough with it. got some fun keychains and jewelry and socks i ordered online so yippee!!! shrimp socks!!!! also started playing the witcher 3 (not sure if i needed the first two games for story reasons but im honestly playing for the eye candy). depression has been meh. may have driven past a car on the side of the road immediately after they hit and killed a man and somehow forgot to mention that in therapy literally hours after finding out. mom just noticed that i got my eyebrow piercing redone (3 months ago. hasn't noticed the other two piercings i've gotten). dad didnt notice at all and he's the parent i live with. saw a cool band live and got to meet one of the members after the show which was awesome.

i fucking hate css i fucking hate css i fucking hate css why did it take me two DAYS to change the cursor. anyway i got a new piercing today (my other rook) and my piercer said i was one of her favorites (and i believe her because a couple weeks after my first piercing with her i sat like six rows in front of her at a concert and she came up to me during intermission and said she recognized me by the back of my head and wanted to say hi). and i got a ton of classic 90s-2000s rock CDs from the local thrift store. and farming simulator for xbox 360 lol. and i got to hug and kiss my pretty boyfriend AND im gonna kiss him for new years. final concert of the year this weekend just gotta make it through one more day!!

christmas has been weird this year. my mom got me some scrubs and an emergency kit for my car and some pokemon cards. got into a fight with my dad while driving but kinda made up about it. boyfriend wont be over for the holidays because he just moved to the other side of town which means he wont be able to see me as often until one of us learns to drive on our own. insomnia has been so awful, i'm really not ready to go back to work on tuesday. getting a new piercing wednesday tho, and going to a concert on friday. hopefully get to have my boyfriend for a new years kiss. he wants me to come to his work's christmas party, but i'm socially awkward and not used to the work environment he works in (small town pub and grill vs big town main medical clinic) so i'm not sure how that will fare. my new neighbors have their back porch light on all night for some ungodly reason and its shining right in my window and it's the only light outside except for the moon and stars so now i hate them forever.

list of things i got from work for christmas cus my work is super awesome: four pairs of socks- one fluffy soft and three character calf socks (looney tunes and fruity pebbles). some seasonal hand soap. $50 cash. so many damn hersheys kisses. a large hersheys kiss. a two litre of rootbeer. a scratch off ticket (won two bucks). a game called bananagrams. a good bougie candle (festive apples scent, a favorite). a cup for beverages with a lid and straw so i can use it at work (all beverages must be closed lid cus i work with computers).

what is up with ska as a genre? like. every ska band i see is always like "yeah we're a ska band that plays ska music, here's 10 songs about ska, each with 'ska' in the title of the song" and also always simultaniously fighting some kind of war against ska as well. i went to a ska punk concert a few weeks ago where one band played a song called "ska sucks" and the next band was selling a flag that says "god is dead - ska is not". its the only genre ive found that's so obsessed with its genre label. i fuckin love ska punk music tho, that shit goes stupid hard. anyway i had a coworker encourage me to talk to my boss about switching departments sooner because i "radiate an air of misery" that has caused several coworkers to reach out to her (as shes the only one im comfortable talking to) to make sure i was ok. so i gotta draft up an email eventually about that. finals this week! cant wait to fail all of my classes last minute! also new med starting today :)

i am currently being stared down by a lizard who thinks himself to be very intimidating. don't worry my darling jeep wrangler, you will have your feast tonight. at the same time as usual. which is not now. so quit staring at me. 3 exams left from this point forward and then a nice break from classes. my room is a mess but i managed to take my trash out (though not replace the trash bag) and put away my laundry. tomorrow i think i will hang out with my friends, and then the day after my sweet boyfriend will come to hang out with me and we will do gay shenanigans together. my therapy is getting fucked around again which sucks for my schedule and im trying not to let it make me spiral. it's so terribly easy to make me spiral these days. doctor said she suspects my chronic pain could be sciatica, but my coworker at the clinic says it sounds a lot like multiple sclerosis. hopefully i will be getting in to get some nerve testing done soon enough.

guess who definitely just bombed one final and is about to immediately bomb another exam! i hate this class so bad and this teacher that doesn't teach worth a shit. if i wanted to teach myself the damn course material i would have taken an online class. and even then I've managed to get a 4.0 and a 3.5 in my other two onlines without touching the textbook except on exam days. just heard someone walk in from the first exam and say "well i know i passed, just not sure if it's a C or a D". thank god there's this class and then next wednesday and then it's over. i am DONE. i want more days off to cuddle my sweet boyfriend and play my lawyer game. now they're talking about how the US education system sucks and im thinking to myself "do not get involved theyre just complaining no one in the room wants your 10 hour rant on how the education system is stacked against the average student".

im sooo tired i have been sleeping so much less than usual lately and I hate it. need to get my meds adjusted but my appointment is a week and a half out which isn't a long time but it is. trying to make this website look nice for my tumblr mutuals (if ur from tumblr and you see this haiii :3 anyway I started watching OFMD and im halfway through episode 3 and it seems cool so far! hard to watch with all the secondhand embarassment but i'm pushing through because it's also super funny and i hear good things about it! at some point I want to add a recommendations box to this site so people can recommend me music and shows and stuff. procrastinating my therapy homework too :P

let me preface this by saying that I am not an early bird; i am an insomniac. it is 6am and i have yet to sleep more than an hour. talking to new friends on tumblr is :3 ! my friend irl invited me to a party and i almost wanted to go but socially sounded like a nightmare cus i wouldn't really know anyone there and if i did it would have been jocks from HS who were a few grades older than me (not ideal bc my abuser was in his grade and kinda popular so I have no idea what that class of people thinks of me and i'd rather not find out). played a little bit of slime rancher and stardew but it's hard for me to sit still comfortably for very long and very few "comfortable" positions work for gaming :(

just got home from game night with friends and found family (absorbed into my best friend's family) and now best friend and bf are playing MTG on the floor. i have to study for a test that I lied for an extension on because I had the shittest day on the original day it was scheduled for. I know I can learn the material in the time I have but the teacher is awful (which is why i have to teach myself). Anatomy+Physiology could be so cool but I hate this douchebag. Listening to a Ludo CD I got at my local library book and media sale and I like how this guy's voice cracks. I had only heard "Love Me Dead" before but the whole album goes hard so far (only on track 5). I got my bf a big box of supernatural (tv show) stuff off of facebook marketplace and his smile was very beautiful when he got it. i also got us matching socks with dinosaurs on them. 2 human days left til the 5 day weekend!

good morning it is 2am and i havent slept yet and i want a pet armadillo. today i took my cat to the vet and everyone said she was so good and well behaved despite the fact that she cried for the entire half hour car ride to and from the clinic. she got 3 shots and has to take some pills in a couple of days. also had work and was so sleepy that i was falling asleep sitting straight up. realized that my ideal patient demographic is 40-60s women (usually smokers) who are very spitfire and sassy. they call me baby and sweetie and honey and make me laugh and definitely would casually drop the fact that they killed their first two husbands into a casual check-out conversation. i'm also surprisingly popular among the senior population for being pretty punk-ish looking (lots of piercings, raggedy unnatural red fauxhawk, etc). hope i get to sleep soon. 5 day weekend next week!